LANGLEY, VA—Admitting that the organization had erroneously rushed to judgment in response to an unimaginable tragedy, CIA director Gina Haspel issued a posthumous apology Wednesday to the family of Osama bin Laden in light of…
Dad Heartbreakingly Thinks His Connections Can Help Son…
CLEVELAND—In a devastatingly sad overestimation of his influence in the professional world, local father Bruce Tenety, 54, expressed the heartbreaking belief Monday that his connections could help his son Justin, a recent college graduate, find…
Man Losing Respect For Incompetent Boss Who Won’t…
BOULDER, CO—Claiming that anyone with even a little bit of pride in their company would have dismissed such a terrible employee by now, telemarketer David Baker, 29, said Tuesday that he was losing respect for…
Man Regrets Wasting Money On College After Failing…
NEW YORK—Noting that his four years at Fordham University hadn’t even led to a 3,000-square-foot penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side yet, local 24-year-old Alex Michaelson, who still hasn’t achieved his dream life, told…
Report: There No Way Of Knowing Whether The…
ROXBOROUGH, PA—Wondering what kind of honor a company bestows upon a part-time clerical employee, the family of local woman Maureen Tavlin, 51, reported Wednesday there was simply no way of knowing whether the vague award…
Man Crouched Inside Of Robotic Welding Arm Terrified…
TULSA, OK—Dreading the day new technologies would emerge to render his craft obsolete, Vince Callahan, an autoworker crouched inside a robotic welding arm, told reporters Tuesday that he was terrified a robot would eventually take…
Furloughed Federal Employee Starts Online Search For New…
WASHINGTON—Saying that the ongoing shutdown, which has lasted nearly a month, had forced him to consider other options for work, furloughed federal employee Elliott Baker confirmed Monday that he had started an online search for…
Man Spends Long Day At Work Waiting To…
BALTIMORE—Sighing in exasperation and repeatedly checking the clock as he completed a number of menial tasks, area man Alan Stover confirmed Wednesday he had spent a long day at work waiting until he could finally…