LANGLEY, VA—Admitting that the organization had erroneously rushed to judgment in response to an unimaginable tragedy, CIA director Gina Haspel issued a posthumous apology Wednesday to the family of Osama bin Laden in light of…
Neutrogena Calls For Worldwide Cleansing In Effort To…
LOS ANGELES—In a fiery and, at times, frenzied speech before a crowd of his most devoted followers, Neutrogena CEO Richard Harper announced plans Thursday for a campaign of worldwide cleansing, saying his company would never…
Report: There An Adult Superstore Off Exit 16
COLUMBIA, SC—Observing that southbound motorists should begin to come across signs just after passing the rest area, sources reported Wednesday that there is an adult superstore off exit 16. “Yeah, so what you do is,…
Cinnabon Defends $800 Million Contract To Manufacture Pastries…
ATLANTA—Responding to overwhelmingly harsh criticism of their decision to sign a contract worth close to a billion dollars with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, representatives of the Cinnabon corporation spoke out Wednesday to defend the…
Lockheed Martin Executive Fondly Recalls Humble Beginning Dealing…
BETHESDA, MD—Waxing nostalgic about his early days driving around the Eastern seaboard “with a trunk full of Stinger heat-seeking missiles and a head full of dreams,” Lockheed Martin Vice President of International Sales Robert Fitzpatrick…
New Report Finds Amazon May Be Listening To…
SANTA MONICA, CA— In a shocking report certain to fuel growing privacy concerns, the advocacy group Consumer Watchdog released evidence Friday that suggests Amazon may be listening to its customers through hardcover copies of Michelle…
Big Tech Companies With Government Contracts
Tech companies like Google, Microsoft, and Amazon are becoming increasingly involved with government projects, particularly the military, landing lucrative contracts and in some cases causing employees to protest their company’s partnerships. The Onion takes a…
New Era Introduces New Spiked Baseball Caps To…
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