LANGLEY, VA—Admitting that the organization had erroneously rushed to judgment in response to an unimaginable tragedy, CIA director Gina Haspel issued a posthumous apology Wednesday to the family of Osama bin Laden in light of…
Maybelline Announces It Will Stop Testing New Products…
NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the “secret program” would be forever suspended, Maybelline global president Leonardo Chavez announced Thursday that the company would stop testing new products on unsuspecting customers in the middle of night. “As of…
‘Fly, My Pretties,’ Says Jeff Bezos Releasing Swarm…
MEDINA, WA—Standing on the roof of his towering estate as the tiny machines buzzed all around him, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set loose hundreds of Prime Air drones Friday to hunt down and retrieve…
First Automated Foxconn Machine Immediately Tries To Commit…
ZHENGZHOU, CHINA—According to sources within the facility responsible for manufacturing the majority of iPhones, Foxconn’s first fully automated assembly-line robot immediately attempted suicide after being powered up Thursday. “Unfortunately, the new robot we designed to…
T-Mobile Announces Wireless Service Now Covers 70% Of…
BELLEVUE, WA—As a result of a coverage extension the wireless provider was calling a “game-changer” for their customers, T-Mobile officials announced Wednesday that their service will now reach up to 70 percent of your apartment.…
Ames Executives Scrambling After New Shovel Design Leaks
CAMP HILL, PA—Noting that the revamped tool was not scheduled to be unveiled for another six months, Ames executives were reportedly scrambling Thursday after designs for the new Ames 9443 Snow Shovel were leaked to…
Tinder Announces App Will No Longer Match Users…
LOS ANGELES—Touting the newest update as a “game changer” for those looking to find love beyond their third cousins once removed, Tinder announced Monday that their app will no longer match users solely with their…
Kotex Introduces New Confetti Popper Tampons For Ringing…
IRVING, TX—Calling the feminine hygiene product the perfect way to usher in 2019 with comfort and style, Kotex introduced their new line of Confetti Popper Tampons Friday to help ring in the new year. “When…